Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
