Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
