the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
