he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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