I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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