He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize