He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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