There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
