two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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