We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
