I wish i was in the wii world.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
