How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
