I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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