It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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