Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
