Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
