Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize