There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
