everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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