Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
