I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
