When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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