I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
