I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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