My sheets look like a crime scene.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
