There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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