We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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