I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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