do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
