i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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