Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize