Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
