I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
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