I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
