I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
do nipples grow back?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
