when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
