I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
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