Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
