oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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