I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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