i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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