it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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