Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
