remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
