Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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