I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
