so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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