I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I want a musical about memes.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
