I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
