after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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