why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
