I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
