i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
