remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
