Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
