i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
