I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
