Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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